freedom in falling

Finding freedom in falling is a metaphor of a journey I’ve been on for quite a while now. It’s not the easiest of tasks. Some call it “speaking your heart” others “letting go”. The point is I could never understand these concepts. What do they mean by ‘letting go’? Have you ever tried letting go? Did you succeed?

To become in falling means to pack up your suitcase with undesired emotions and be able to carry it. It means to feel the unbearable and let yourself be seen, vulnerably seen. It means to be able to hear your inner voices with great clarity without dodging them, to admit to and feel whatever feeling is crossing through. And believe me it’s not the easiest of tasks as we creatures of habit and stubborn ego can easily slip into destructive patterns and self prescribed lies.

Where does the freedom starts then? The freedom comes when you stop lying to yourself, when you stop trying to fix yourself or a situation, when you cease the relentless struggle to be different than you are. As Anthony de Mello said, “ things don’t have to be fixed, they have to be understood. If you understand them, they’d change”.

With the allowing feelings to be comes the acceptance. As a result the space is created, the space for love, understanding and compassion. The space for freedom, creativity, spontaneity, authenticity and happiness. The space for you to shine!!!

What I’m trying to do here is to look at my own shortcomings (which in truth are not shortcomings at all!!!!, I only believe them to be!) and to try not to fix them but understand them. ‘in falling’ therefore I hope to be a tool, a playground, a challenge for me to look me in the eye, an attempt to let myself be. Above all, it’s a product of desperate need for love and acceptance of myself.

xx later..

Magic

I’ve been writing a lot about my experience of being honest with myself and finding this tender and caring place where I can be myself and feel good about myself.

I’ve been also writing about the masks we wear. The protective mechanisms we employ to feel better about ourselves; survival tricks our minds do in order to make sure we get what we want or deserve. However, what we do is cover our feelings of insecurity. We cannot bear feelings of vulnerability. Weakness of any kind is a threat to our very existence.  I was hurt as a child and made believe that I count for nothing. In my grown up live I strive for recognition and achievement (that’s one of my masks). However, if something goes wrong, (and it usually does as I cannot control the world around me!) my survival plan crumbles into pieces and I feel lost.

This is where honesty comes into play. Honesty comes with self- awareness and great deal of courage. Because it is only when you are able to admit in front of yourself (and others) that you are insecure it’s when the mask shutters and you can enjoy the real you! Easier said than done. It seems almost impossible to let ourselves feel vulnerable as every part of our being resists it terribly.

Another inherent part of this process is love for oneself. Love is the most beautiful and powerful quality that lets us feel whole. When you find enough strength to feel vulnerable, love is the care and compassion that holds you in its embrace. Imagine that this beautiful small child of yours instead of being hurt is getting lots of love, understanding and nourishment! How do you think it would make you feel? Love makes us feel whole, important, self- confident and worthy.

Having said all that it seems to me that the process I have just described is nothing less but awareness and mindfulness itself.

John Kabat-Zinn says that to be mindful means to face everything what is in a nonjudgmental manner. In my world, to be nonjudgmental towards myself means noting less than to love myself the way I am. In other words, being accepting of my feelings of insecurity, being compassionate and understanding without feeling the need to change myself. As Kabat-Zinn said, befriend yourselves and your lives.

He also says that to be mindful means to be able to discern with clarity what is going on. For me, this is the honesty part. I can only see what is going on when I’m fully honest with myself. Honesty is a tool for me to see and to become aware.

Still, these moments of clarity, love, and acceptance are somehow magical to me. Because to be mindful, or as my friend would say: mindless, requires that tiny bit of stepping out of ourselves. To be nonjudgmental and to be able to see what is going on means to become an observer and not the ego-self that we identify with.

I can see now that I am so much more than my fear. I can see that I have so much strength, courage, so much inner resources in me, and so much magic J

The journey continues

It’s 02.57 am. I’ve just woken up to have a sip of water when my mind decided to go on the journey of its own. I’ve embarked on the very known to me trip of doubt and blame – the usual scenario of pretense, wishful thinking, and negative judgments.

I’m trying to secure myself and cover up all the things I don’t like about myself. I’m trying to change things that I consider a threat to my survival. In short, there is no acceptance of what is. There is always a path to be taken, a challenge to be faced, a character trait to be eliminated, strength to be proven. All this creates doubt and blame I put on myself. All in all, I am not the way I would like myself to be…

And then, in the midst of it all a tiny, swift thought came to my mind: “ I am”. I am everything that and more. I am many feelings. Because I am.

It doesn’t seem as it makes much sense but, trust me, this is awareness, letting go, and acceptance. It makes a perfect sense to me as I stop to chase myself and wonder. I stop asking myself questions and create challenges. I stop giving out to myself for being doubtful. I stop the judgments and negative thoughts. I don’t want to change anything anymore. There is acceptance and peace in it. I’m just happy the way things are. I’m just happy to be.

It’s only now that I can see how colossal journey I’ve made… from doubt, fear and resentment of myself to acceptance, strength and total appreciation and love.

The journey continues…

I’ve noticed

I’ve noticed I haven’t written anything for a while. Surely, there must have been something on my mind worth sharing. Still, there has been silence. The passion for expression has not passed as I’m writing these words and I can feel its power. Still, it’s been quiet. The nagging urge to share my thoughts has receded, disappeared in the play of life.

I’ve been playing life for these past two weeks and I’ve noticed I have.

On Wednesday, I shared with my course people how I spent Easter. I told them I spoke to my dad and my mum and the rest of the family. While I was talking, tears started rolling down my cheeks. To my utter surprise, I spotted them and paused. I said to the group that I needed a moment to see what was happening. Oh, bless me! I saw it. I saw it very clearly – the play of life. It was like a song, a sonnet expressing all the glory and sadness. A poem of life was being written in front of my eyes and I bid it farewell as it dimmed and evaporated into the thin air.

It was quiet and still. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do or change. There was peace.

So, I haven’t written anything for a while. Does it mean I had fewer things on my mind? There surely has been inspiration, life lessons to be learned, experience to be processed, wisdom to be revealed. Nevertheless, there has been some stillness.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve noticed!

The hunt for life

A hunter descends upon his pray. He takes his bow and arrows preparing for the kill. The game begins. The will, the need, the desire is pushing the strings and wings the bow into action. The mind always has an agenda; the mind never sleeps. The moment you open your eyes, it is in action problem solving, worrying, trying, figuring our, striving. It’s like an operational system we all operate from. The mind takes the bow in its hands and aims. The aim is always computed according to our will, our needs and our desires. If we are not getting what we want, we embark on the quest to get it! The hunt is on.

I always thought that there is somewhere I need to get to, that there is a goal I need to reach. If I ever have enough money I’ll buy a house, if I have enough courage I’ll find a challenging job. If I play my cards right I’ll find what I’m looking for. And here I am years later still waiting for all this to happen. Waiting to fulfill my purpose in this life, waiting to fully enjoy myself…

I’ve read many books and listened to many wise people and I still find myself wanting and waiting to change. Even if, intellectually, I know that there is nowhere to go and nothing to change, I often  wonder what would be if….

Many of us find ourselves in a position where we want a different career, different partner, different job, and different friends. We want to do something meaningful and worthy, we want to feel appreciated, respected and loved and we strive to achieve it. Our minds go on the hunt…

What we fail to notice is that wanting something inevitably places us in a lost position, a passive mode, a place of lacking and being short of something. My mind’s wondering ‘what would be if’ is secretly sending me a message that something is not the way it should be and that I’d better change it fast!!

A sudden felt insight came to me this morning. I realised in an instant that in order to get what I want I need to be. Be in this moment, living the life, seeing a bee on a flower, looking at clouds, washing the dishes, crying, painting, being sad, being wishful, being grateful. Be nothing more and nothing less. Be thoughts, be mind, be the emptiness and the fullness -  be.

I realised that by not wanting and striving I can give myself all the love, power and strength I so much crave for. It’s a life paradox, the more female energy flows in the more male energy is generated. I don’t have to surrender my dreams, all I need to do is to surrender the one thing I don’t have and I never will – control – the mind’s hunt.

“Emptiness is the starting point. — In order to taste my cup of water you must first empty your cup”.  So, what do I do now?  Empty my cup! Big Nothing!!!!

xx J.

True Wealth

For most of us living in this world means surviving. Our minds are full of messages and constructs of what we are supposed to be, how to behave, what to do, to achieve our goals. We believe we need to look and behave in a particular way, otherwise we won’t be perfect and we won’t get what we want. However, it’s all a construct, set of beliefs we have about ourselves that creates our reality. It’s a fallacy carried on from our life experiences. It’s not the actual reality! “It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves.” ~Carl Jung

Therefore, instead of trying so hard to be different, to be deserving, to be loved, to be more attractive, to be more perfect! Connect with your authentic self!! As my friend said “ there is no way to be perfect in the duality of the manifested universe -or everything is perfect just the way it is. The ego does not know lasting perfection.” Bhavya Jessica Theissen

A couple of days ago when Justyna was looking for Justyna  I re-established that connection with my authentic self. I’m not saying that it’s easy because most of the time it means surrendering to my biggest hurts and fears. It’s listening to that inner voice that wants to say something that we don’t allow for fear it might spoil our grand plans.

“That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.” ~Meredith Monk

If it means crying in front of everyone and making a “crybaby” out of yourself, do it! If it means trembling from fear, tremble! Honour your feelings and feel proud of your experience! It’s yours! Feel whatever you feel and hold it with love and kindness. It’s you. Whole and innocent. Beautiful.

What do we get in return?

We receive freedom, love, acceptance, and compassion not only towards ourselves but also toward others. There is a sense of poignant sweetness on recognizing our imperfections. And finally, upon discarding this stubborn and stuck piece of the self we make a lot of space for energy to flow and for us to flourish.

It’s as if  (I’ll quote my friend) “if we are getting out of the way, letting Spirit express itself and letting the energy move through us (“Let go and let God.”), we encounter the Magical Child; that part of us that is not concerned with self image, but curious and open vis-a-vis the world, ready to engage, play, respond.” Bhavya Jessica Theissen

True Wealth is gentleness and clarity, it’s love and kindness. It’s abundance without riches. It’s playfulness and flow.

Let’s play!!

Much love J.

Justyna is looking for Justyna

A Zen master visited his friend Johnny. When he entered the house he found Johnny cooking in the kitchen. Johnny had two pans full of gorgeous smelling food on the stove and he was frantically looking for something. ‘Oh, I can’t find the wooden spoon! I’m looking for my spoon! Can you see it anywhere?’ he cried. Looking at him a Zen master said, ‘Oh Johnny, you are not looking for a spoon, you are looking for Johnny!

Yesterday was quite an eventful day. I was that Johnny trying to fix things and efforting for half of the day before I realised that I had to stop fixing and efforting and just be. I spend half of the day looking for a spoon when I finally opened to myself. It’s funny how we go on searching for answers, trying to change things, striving and exerting ourselves, while it’s only ‘us’ and our present experience’ we need to feel at home.

It was a hard day and my mind was filled with stuff I don’t even want to remember. A lot of debris, lots of noise. I felt pressure rising up. Little by little, the uncomfortable feeling of something being wrong started creeping into my consciousness – the unwanted visitor, the biggest curse of all -  the critic, the protector, the mass of destruction, my reaction!! Whenever I feel stressed, anxious, scared, sad….. the list is endless…., my ‘protector’ and’critic’ tells me “no! you are not supposed to feel it right now! Pull your socks up and get on with things!” And usually I listen, I go against the wind with my lips tight, my heart sealed, and my mind racing madly looking for a cure!!

Not this time! I don’t exactly know what helped me to listen to my heart and how it happened. Maybe I was just tired and didn’t care, or maybe it was something else… Anyhow, it happened. I lost the control, the unspoken emotions rushed in to meet me. I burst into tears like a small child. In that moment I was sadness, I was anxiety, I was me. I found me. No more striving to change myself. I am perfect the way I am.

“Stress only happens when the mind resists what is”

So, give in. Give way to your most unwanted feelings and let them be. Face yourselves and the world with an open heart and …..love.

Many heart openings!! Xx J.

i am mind

As I get to know myself better I realise how many barriers and obstacles the mind creates, I create! I live according to mind and I shouldn’t even say ‘my mind’ because it implies separation. But yes, I am separated from me. I live in vivid creations of my mind, my ego…

It’s kind of sad to acknowledge that because it means that I don’t really live at all. The mind is like a trap that cares about my survival and I’m not even sure if I need it at all… Anyway, if I live mostly in the mind, it means I’m mostly preoccupied with the past and the future as this is where the mind prospers. It feeds on my past experiences; it gathers information; it calculates my best options. But by doing so, it also builds a wall around my heart; a wall that is meant to protect me from this hostile world. Does it really though?

It gets activated whenever it recognises a situation from my past that was undesirable or dangerous for me. For example, if I had a bad experience in water, swimming would be a great challenge. The mind would remember the past and recognise the danger depriving us of the pleasure of swimming.

Every one of us experiences such obstacles or barriers. Some of these barriers are more complex and intricate than the fear of water. What they all have in common, though, is the power to create feelings that are undesirable, unattractive, and destructive for us like anxiety or anger.

So, yes. It’s kind of sad that I live according to my past worrying about the future and skipping all the beautiful moments that are here, right now.

On the other hand, It’s not fully true that I only live in the past and the future. There are moments of clarity and insight when I am able to leave the old stories behind and live in truth. I wouldn’t be probably writing all this if I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel

I see my barriers. I see the wall encircling my heart. I see a lot of hurt that prevents me to see things clearly. I see how my anger and fear stem from that old hurt of mine. And finally, I see I am mind.

I recently got very much hurt by a ‘friend’ who said an awful thing about me. Of course I don’t consider that person a friend any more! Of course I feel hurt! Why? Because, what was said, was the truth that I’m very much afraid of and unable to accept. Because, in the mind’s belief it’s a danger to my survival! And it doesn’t matter if that person is a good or bad friend. What matters is that it did hurt me to hear what was said and that the mind created it! Then, wouldn’t it be fair to say that my feelings and reactions are determined by my thoughts, my beliefs, my past!?

“ neither your disappointment nor your anger was caused by the rain. The rain was a perfectly lawful display of nature. Your ‘upset’ at the ruined picnic and your ‘happiness’ when the sun reappeared were the product of your thoughts. They have nothing to do with actual events. (…) It is obvious then that your mind, not other people, or your surroundings, is the source of your moods” Dan Millman “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”

Isn’t it obvious then that my ‘friend’ is not the cause of my anger and fear but myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“ It is better to take responsibility for your life as it is, instead of blaming others or circumstances, for your predicament” Dan Millman “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”

Let’s munch on that…

X J.

and I’m going under!

Today, I’ve been mercilessly torturing myself for who I am. Old wounds have been screaming at me for all day long. Someone called it a compound hurt. There was too many experiences that opened old hurts and now I’m drowning… I don’t like myself for my reactions. I wish I was different. I wish I could handle situations better. I wish my mind wasn’t creating all this suffering. I wish I didn’t feel guilt and shame.

I’ve been running away from those feelings all day and i finally got it! I stopped. I admitted that in this moment, I feel overwhelmed, fearful, guilty and shameful… In that moment I stopped criticizing myself, I gave myself space to be… I surrendered.

In this moment I feel raw but real. I feel tender but I feel good about myself too.

It’s unimaginable how difficult it is to let ourselves feel what we feel. And how much negative emotions are created in the process. How much self criticism and self aversion!

Much love to you all!  I have mine for now!

Enjoy beautiful lyrics by Florence and The Machine – Never let me go, which, I feel, express finding peace in ‘going under’

“Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.

And it’s peaceful in the deep,
Cause either way you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.

And it’s breaking over me,
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.

Though the pressure’s hard to take,
It’s the only way I can escape,
It seems a heavy choice to make,
Now I am under.

And it’s breaking over me,
A thousand miles down to the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.

And it’s over,
And I’m going under,
But I’m not giving up!
I’m just giving in.”

 

Trust the Trust

When I stand in the dark corridor, unsure what the future might bring, scared to make a step forward, I reach out to the darkness, I touch the vast thick mass of the unknown and whisper: ‘Is anybody out there? I stretch my arms in front of me and feebly say: ‘here I go, watch out, I’m taking the first step… aaaa!

Whenever I’m unsure, doubtful, lost or scared, whenever I’m stuck in this dark corridor I often find myself reaching out into the darkness. As scary as that can be I hold on to the trust that guides me.

Standing on the edge, looking down into the depths of the unknown, frightened and trusting. Who brought me here? Where does my trust come from?

In the movie I’ve mentioned, the ‘Peaceful Warrior’, the main character, Dan, finds a teacher, the most annoying, difficult and challenging person. He struggles to accept this character. It’s a love – hate relationship. Even though Dan gets challenged, angry, scared and infuriated, he always comes back to his teacher. At the end of the movie we find that this teacher of his might have only existed in Dan’s head…

Where did Dan meet his teacher? And who told him to stick around when things has gone difficult and unbearable? Where did he find the courage to face what’s the most distressing, unfortunate, demanding and… scary?

It’s the trust. Dan’s teacher might have been a real person but he could have also been a manifestation of Dan’s own trust in himself, his strength and divinity. He could have been the force that in spite of all odds pushes us forward, the light at the end of the tunnel…

May all of us recognise this trust in us and see it as a manifestation of our true selves, the divine in us. Let us see our trust in the midst of the darkest and challenging moments and believe that under the veil of hardships and sorrow there is light and love shining through…

Here is a video made by Atalvin Pilon, http://basicgoodness.com/ . He recorded it a minute before leaving Amsterdam for a whole year and plunging into the unknown. Every time I watch this, it reminds me of my… trust. Enjoy!

The peaceful warrior in me

The extraordinary space on the top floor of the Dervish shop has been created by the extraordinary soul who shares with us ordinary and truly beautiful moments. We watched “Peaceful Warrior” today. A magnificent story about awakening to the true self.

The first and the most powerful statement I heard in the movie was: “I’m not what I think”. My head is full of “ trash” that has to be emptied. It is full of judgments, expectations, plans, conditioning, and because of that it is full of fear, anxiety and anger… Whatever I’m worried about it’s all “trash”. “ Trash” is a collection of false beliefs that I have of myself, ingrained in me by society, family and life events.

And I see them. I struggle with them on the rooftop, like the movie warrior, unable to let them go, unable to let them fall. I know that It is me I have to let go of… aaaa scary, unimaginable. How? And then I heard another line: “ you need to lose your mind before you can come to your senses” Wow!

Can you see your anger, your fear, your inner chatter? Can you hear the conversations you have with yourself? What are you saying to yourself? What colour of filter are you using? Can you see your mind? Can you see what you are struggling with, what makes you unhappy? Do you know who you are without your mind?

Listen… “it’s your intuition talking to you”, your trust in you, your love and faith in you. Even among the darkest of nights you can hear this voice whispering: “ you are enough, you will never be better as much as you will never be less…. Listen…..

Who am I without me?

xx